In a comment to the previous post, our wandering Kiwi said the following (in relation to a trip to Lourdes, and a conversation with a fellow kiwi of the priestly sort):
The priest's response was that . . . I didn't feel worthy. But I told him it wasn't that, it was more that I saw the Grotto as the holy of holies, for the 'true' believers, and it didn't seem like I belonged there. When I finally went, it was to place a prayer petition for someone I knew who was gravely ill. I am still not really sure if any feelings of unworthiness had anything to do with my reluctance to go there.
[Emphasis added by me]
Boy oh boy, do I know that feeling . . . not any more, mind you, but for several years, I was convinced that if what I really believed was discovered, I'd be tied to a stake and getting toasty before you could say "Repent!" Perhaps I fall into hyperbole, but the fear itself was real. For so many years I sang in my church choir and believed myself a fraud, because even though I could say the Creed and completely mean every word, even though I believed even then in the True Presence, I still felt like I was a bad Catholic. I felt like I didn't belong . . . like, as Kat would say, "The lone Indian at Custer's Tea Party." [Or, for you Harry Potter fans, like a lone Slytherin surrounded by Gryffindors.] Yeah, awkward.
I should note that the community I was with was very welcoming and warm, so one couldn't blame this on them. It was a mostly internal thing-- one only has to meet a few of the "All-or-Nothing!" Catholics for their glares and scowls to become internalized, and you start feeling guily because (gasp!) you don't recite the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy everyday, or because you don't automatically agree and follow exactly every single statement that comes from the entire chain of command up to the Pope.
[Considering that it's in my nature to reflexively argue with anything from anyone (seriously, the Pope could come out with a statement regarding how blue the sky looks on a sunny day, and I'd instinctively say "Not during sunrise!" I think it's the Scot in me. . . ~_^ )]
Anyway, I should come 'round to a point. What I had to figure out was "Why am I (still) here? Why don't I just leave?"
The answer was the Eucharist-- I cannot say that I believe that it's the True Presence, because I know, and there's a difference. That knowledge, from experience, makes it awful hard to walk away, whatever else is going on. He's addictive--not like a drug, but more like a new favorite song that you keep playing over and over again.
Now, after this was decided, came The Creed and the Infallible Statements. I poured over all of these, and my response was "Yeah, okay. No conflict there . . ." So, those were okay and set. And right about then, I realised that I really, despite the views of some, didn't need much more. Because everything else will eventually fall into place if you have those as the baseline. Take what you can, pray for the rest.
This didn't immediately solve my awkwardness-- that did linger for a bit, because although Guilt Beast had stopped gnawing on my ankle, he was still hanging around, demanding to be fed. But it helped. It also helped that I started going to Adoration, something that for some reason had intimidated me, but soon became a much anticipated part of my week. Ah, Jesus and me, mano a mano. . .or rather, Deo a Coyote . . .hmm, good stuff. And, of course, going to Confession more regularly helped as well.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really, truly do understand that awkwardness one sometimes has, that feeling of "not belonging." I'd say, strip it down to bare essentials: The Eucharist, the Creed, the Infallible Statements. If these don't cause you to go into convulsions, then the rest will come with time and prayer, because most of everything else is connected to these things. The "All-or-Nothing!" Catholics would probably have apoplexy at such a suggestion, but that's because it's never occurred to them that some beliefs are more important than others, which is strange, because the whole point of the Creed and the Infallible Statements is precisely to emphasize certain teachings/beliefs as more important than others. You need to have a baseline, a starting place. If you start with "All-or-nothing!", most people will choose nothing. (Think about the way you respond to salesmen who use this approach, and you'll see what I mean. You'll walk before you sign a contract like that. . . why should people be less cautious when it comes to religious and spiritual matters which are all the more important?)
A lot of times the open displays of piety exhibited by others makes us think that they are better Catholics than we, that they are the "True Believers," and thus that such places as the Grotto at Lourdes are more for them than for us. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Lourdes, Fatima, Jerusalem, Guadaloupe, Knock, local churches. . . these are for the catholic church, which is to say, the whole church, everyone of us. Those who pray with great shouts, and those whose prayer is silence-- and even those who hardly pray at all. All of us, saints and sinners, fit, unfit and misfit, obedient and not-so-obedient. . .
Do not fall into the mistake of thinking that those who are most pius on the outside are "better" -- Mafiosos are sometimes known for their piety, and no one (today) would consider them good Catholics. Likewise, some of the best, most truly devout Catholics I've known were emo/ goth punks who listened to loud music, wore mostly black (sometimes some red for variety), and were considered "freaks" by the "good" people.
Finally, I'd say-- at least you're trying, which is a heck of a lot more than most people can say. Tolkien tells us that "Not all who wander are lost." The Bible shows us that not everyone who steps off the boat drowns--provided the circumstances are right. If you keep on with honesty, prayer and sincerity, you'll find the awkwardness will take care of itself.
|